nothing much

I recently watched the movie “The Fall” – suggested by my roommate Lyz. A fantastic movie, however also the first movie i literally had to walk away from because i was actually sobbing.

i’m reading Annie Dillard’s Pilgrim at Tinker Creek right now…

i know it’s a pretty predictable thing to write about the changing of the seasons right now, but i feel thoroughly compelled to just at least mention it.

As it is with most, i find the Fall to be my favorite season of the year, and the best time of the year. Football starts, school starts, it’s my birthday, thoughts run deeper, and i get to wear sweaters and scarfs and my brown loafers (no, i’m not an old man…though many roommates in the past have accused me of it).

perhaps it’s just age and life taking its toll, but every year, i seem to love this season more than i did the year before.

here in the central valley, the weather has begun to change in the past few weeks. the light changed several weeks ago and the air just changed in the past week or so. it blows my mind that this happens or rather that i get to watch it all happen; though it seemed to happen overnight this year, making it much easier to note. but that there is such hope in a changed season…again, just blows my mind.

well…i guess it’s just that it’s amazing that we as people are so sensitive to the changing of the seasons. though even that being the case, i find that the Fall is especially profound in hitting on our sensitivity to the changing of seasons.

i suppose it’s the changing light, and remembering the heat that we just escaped, and the gradual change of clothing that is required. i find myself saying things like “last week at this time we didn’t have to have our headlights on just yet”. i always find that i mourn the changing of the seasons, but then again, i’m highly sentimental.

and so, all of this being said, i’m buying into the hope of the Fall. i’m working on letting go of a few things and embracing a few new things; it only seems appropriate. it’s time.

emily

 

this happened the other day and so i decided to just put it “on paper” here.

sometimes when i read a really good book, or just read a book with some ideas that stir me, i find that i actually get so excited about it all that i don’t actually read the book.

i end up just sitting there relishing all the ideas in my head. a half hour or more will often go by of time spent like this…and i would say that if you have ever wondered what i do with my time, that you can count on this probably being a good portion of it.

not much else to write now that isn’t too vulnerable for a blog but is more vulnerable than a facebook status update – so this is all i got for now.

emily

 

school’s out

a few things:

a few days ago i was out biking when a man with a pitbull went walking over the canal bridge that i was just about to get on as well. his words to me were as follows: “i don’t think he’ll bother you”.

then just a few moments ago, again while out biking, a guy with a full gold grill over his front four teeth pulled up next to me at a stop sign and asked what my name was and then asked if we could talk. i wondered if this had worked previously for him and preppie looking women on bicycles…

lastly, i just texted my roommate saying “i feel today is an epic arcade fire sort of day”…

that really sums up life right now. that and i have discovered Kahlil Gibran. okay, now that sums up life right now.

 

one more thing…

found this the other day, and thought it might be appropriate to, oh…brag about perhaps…it’s 15 minutes long, but the good stuff comes right away, so you really don’t have to listen long.

 

home

i’ve recently started using two items. about two months ago, i discovered face lotion. i realize this is probably appalling to most females at least, however bear with me for just a moment. the second item is the nail file, which i only started using about three weeks ago.

so here’s the deal: i have generally avoided things that would label me as “high maintenance”. i have generally thought that if i just learn to manage with less, in most areas of life, i will never know what it is like to have more; if i can just discipline myself from being too curious about “new ” things, i will be fine with whatever i have.

as a result, things like adding face lotion to my make-up bag and daily routine, and trying to maintain longer finger nails by using a nail filer (and many more like it) have remained outside of my daily life. other examples, for i realize this might sound a little silly as of yet, are things like getting a lot of sleep, unnecessary technological gadgets, watching t.v., etc.

about seven months ago, i moved into a house and had to face some of my fears head on, as i had to furnish an entire house and really start to put my feet down. i had to acquire items such a couches, mirrors, dishes, etc., things that all make me feel very…here.

however, for the first time in years, i feel home. i have officially created a space that is mine; that is a result of my originality and creation* (and my roommate’s), but it is our space and thus our home.

this has enabled me to really put my feet down, even within myself, and do things like start using face lotion. it’s like i have finally let myself get comfortable and do things that i might have wanted to do before.

this does not mean that i will start watching t.v.*, however it does mean that i’m working on discovering the things about myself that i might have previously disciplined away; i have cautiously enjoyed things in the past, but i’m working on just enjoying things…and perhaps ridding myself of so much caution.

*see The Hidden Art of Homemaking by Edith Schaeffer (chapter five).
**please read Amusing Ourselves to Death by Neil Postman for some great thoughts regarding the television.

our little reading area in the back patio

our little study nook in the house

 

one for the records.

today was a day for the records, so i had to tell my story here. in this stage of my life, i am a “regular” at three places. the first is a little coffee shop where i take my friend Emily (14 years old) to coffee every Sunday; the second, my favorite coffee shop here in Modesto; and the third: the dump.

i go to the dump everyday. they know me at the dump; they don’t even ask for my i.d. anymore – it’s really nice.

however, today, i was working in Stockton, and had to go to a new dump. now, i have taken trailer loads to the dump by myself a handful of times. i drive the truck and trailer to the dump, back the trailer up, open up all the right parts of the trailer, and hope that the electronic dump works (it only works about 50% of the time -leaving 50% of my travel-to-the-dump-alone adventures with me unloading the entire trailer load by hand).

anyway, so today i went to the Manteca dump to dump a trailer load…alone. this would not, as i just mentioned above, normally be a difficult task, and is usually one i am quite proud of being able to do, however today was a different kind of day. and, the Manteca dump is indoors (well covered), with a ledge that you back your trailer up to, and then dump into the giant cement hole (does that make sense)? here is a picture to help you envision what i’m talking about:

so, i backed the truck and trailer up to the ledge (about an 10′ ledge, with a severe drop into the cement hole) and then proceeded to get everything set up. we had roped down the load, and so my first task was to untie the rope from the load and then to proceed.

i stood up on the wheel of the trailer to untie the rope and looked down noticing that i was just on the ledge of the slanted wall, which if fallen down onto, would thrust me into the actual dump. i think you might know where this story is going.

so, just after untying the rope, i jumped down from the wheel, and, you guessed it, lost my footing and ended up attempting to stand on this slanted wall.

here is a picture of what i looked like at this stage:

my first thought was that i would be able to stop myself from falling, and that perhaps i could grab at something. so now, you can picture someone sliding down a dump-juice infested, cement wall, prostrate, attempting to grab at anything to stop this event from happening.

my attempts did not work, and i ended up in the cement hole of dump trash, a picture:

so now i’m standing in the dump, and men are congregating at the ledge yelling if i am okay. the bulldozer beside me stopped and honked and then the bulldozer driver yelled “somebody is in the dump!”. nearly everyone asked if i was okay, which anyone who falls with some sort of regularity knows is the most humiliating question to be asked after having fallen, however, i finally stopped laughing enough to ask where the stairs might be so that i could get out.

they had to actually file a medical complaint of sorts just in case anything did actually happen to me later on or whatever, and every man in the building asked if i had fallen in…as if i might have just jumped in on my own volition.

anyway, so that was my day today. i thought i would share, as i found this experience a bit too rich to keep to myself.

until later,

emily

 

things that will die

i kept saying that i would just let it die if it actually did die. i have been preparing myself for this for months now, as i felt that my car was approaching its last days.

well, i blew the head gasket. i don’t even really know what that does, but know that it is a really bad thing, that forces me into a decision about the continued life of my car.

so i have kind of given up on the Volvo and have since been sharing my family’s little black Ford Quirk (just a small single cab pick-up) over these past few weeks. yesterday, great news came down the pike. my dad thinks that he might need the black truck for work, therefore making it of some necessity that i conjure up the money to have my car fixed!!

i had not, until now, realized how much i enjoyed this little material possession, or how much of a part of me this car had become; the truth though, is that it has, and honestly, i feel okay about this. there will be a day when i will be ready to give it up, but i don’t think now is that time.

in honor of this slightly momentous occasion, i decided to construct a little sort of photomontage of some fun moments (and perhaps the only pictures i have ever taken of my car) over the years. i have put nearly 100,000 miles on the car in five years; to mexico, all over california, l.a more times then i could count on all my phalanges… back and forth from modesto to san luis obispo in many one day round trips, and it has all the dents and sun-damaged paint spots to prove it.

i really am not that obsessed with this very mortal machine, however i really do like it a lot.

emily

first big road trip, two months after purchase: Mexico. notice the big dent under the side mirror. there was a matching one on the other side.

first big move with the volvo. moved out of college house and into first post-college house, still in slo.

here’s the volvo on the left side of the picture; featured in the filming of the infamous “ridin’ dirty” music video..

these are the girls i mentored for a summer…this car got some love this summer.

i acquired a few nicknames this summer…and so did the volvo, apparently.

the Volvo’s first christmas tree outing with my great old roommate — nicki appel.

taken from the backseat of the volvo..while in use. picking up old roommates before carrie’s wedding (one of our other old roommates).

just driving on the 101 at sunset.

driving up the 1. the “laugh” ceramic wall hang got added to the volvo in 2007. it was a gift from an old roommate once.

this was the second time i had moved using the volvo. crammed full.

 

we’re funny people, you and me

well…returned from my trip, and have been pressed by a few to get on the ball here with updated this thing, not that i wasn’t going to, but anyway.

 

1st thing 1st.  i would like to make mention of the crazy-cat-lady phenomenon.  so i live across the street from a crazy cat lady.  her name is opal, and she has like 10 cats.  they regularly use my porch, front yard and hood of my car as a toilet/place to hang out together/bed.  i however, have decided that this is a battle that i am not going to fight.  the last thing that i want to be is the crazed neighbor-of-the-crazy-cat-lady, who does nothing but spend their energy fighting the cats all day.  so i’m pretending that i like the smell of cat pee, the cat fur on my porch furniture, and cat foot prints on my car windshield.  

 

speaking of crazy cat ladies, so i stayed at this amazing farm house in ireland called the Culintra House.   this place was pretty spectacular.  nicki (the friend i traveled with while over there) and i arrived at the house on a rainy stormy night, a little freaked out by the fact that we were the only ones staying on the 230 acre farm house with the owner Patricia.  however, we ended up having an incredible time reading and frolicking out in the fields all day before joining Patricia for dinner at about, that’s right 9:30pm every evening.  time really was not of the essence for the eccentric Patricia.   

 

another character i met while i was away, was a man named Norman.  i’ll keep this as short as i can.  Norman shared with nicki and i that his wife had just died only one month ago (on the 6th of December).  norman taught nicki and i a few things while riding in the car.  he told us, in reference to buying a car, that you should always evaluate whether the car is good or bad right off the bat, because anyone can get used to something that is actually really quite bad, or something really good, but you will only know that upon first encountering the thing.

then he taught us that you shouldn’t go for something bigger when you have something smaller that works for you.  this comment was made in reference to his business that he at one point in time had the chance to expand.  Norman only went to school for two years because he was very sick as a child, and then got really sick again after only two years of school.  he grew up on a farm in Ireland and married his wife, Mary, after 10 years of dating.  she was Catholic and he was Church of Ireland.  he wanted to marry Mary, however, his dad had already died ad so he could not in good conscience switch churches because he would not be able to talk to his father about it first.  eventually, after they had broke up and called it off, Mary called Norman and told him she would get married in his church.  

their second child died just after being born, something Mary apparently didn’t get over for another 20 years later.  in fact, they only had a few years together while she didn’t carry the weight of this before she got sick and died.  

 

Norman said that the morning Mary died, she wanted to get a new christmas tree to put up.  Norman went and bought a new tree, however Mary died before she ever saw the tree that afternoon.  apparently they had never before put up the christmas tree that early in the season.

 

Norman said he has never left New Ross, Ireland, and he never will.  later on our flight from Ireland back to England, nicki and i sat next to a man who again reminded me of norman.  he was an older man with a really bad limp and the formative stages of a hunched over posture.  this man just seemed so out of place on a piece of machinery like an airplane, and it made me sort of wish that i too looked out of place on that piece of machinery.   it made me think that being “cultured”, traveling the world, whatever, doesn’t really say much about life, and that simple life is where true life is lived.  Diogenes might be one of my new heroes. 

 

so, i decided while i was away, that i want to be where i am for a bit.  live off my garden, dig deeper with those around me, and learn a little by just being (and biking [couldn't pass up the opportunity to throw a little alliteration in there]). life in my mid twenties has seemed to present the need to live big, go explore all kinds of crazy things, or live in some crazy place, however i feel the need to reject all that right now. perhaps that is just the justification i see others use at some point in their life to justify just living a mediocre life; i pray that is not the case here.   

this got long…i’m so sorry.  i just felt that some of the thoughts i have had needed to be put somewhere.  obviously this is an incomplete version of it all, but this is as concise  as i am able to be for now.

 

hope this works.

 

on leaving

tomorrow morning i leave for england and ireland for two weeks.  this is a long awaited trip….years in fact in the making. 

however, as the time has drawn near for me to actually leave, i have realized (realised) that i am in fact no longer going so much for the sites, but the for the feel and the space to think.

 

i think thoughts run deeper in a foreign place.  and so, i would like to think that i’m leaving to go think for a few weeks.

 

i realize that sounds all too snooty/high hat, but if it makes anyone feel better, i’ll be bunking up in co-ed dorm style hostels, and friend’s extra beds/floor space, with just my backpack …and not a lot of money in my pocket.

 

however, i will have some amazing company in the old friends that i will be meeting up with.  destination: cambridge, london, dublin, cork, and the dingle pennisula.  and that’s life.

 

emily

 

a new direction

i don’t often write about political thoughts that i have however, i just got back from taking a friend of mine (who was visiting from New Zealand) all around California.  for starters, i love my state.  but as i was driving home last night and after seeing an absurd amount of stickers that had the word “hope” next to a picture of our president-elect, i couldn’t help but think: how is it that we have so placed the hope of our country and world in the hands of the government/political figures, and especially Mr. Obama, instead of placing it in each other?  i’m on the hunt…